"Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlight from heaven.
Like the first dewfall, on the first grass.
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden,
Sprung in completeness where His feet pass.
Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning.
Born of the one light Eden saw play.
Praise with elation, praise every morning;
God's recreation of the new day.
Morning has broken, like the first morning.
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird.
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning,
Praise for them springing fresh from the Word."
In the peaceful, calm side of my brain, morning is one of my favorite times of day. In fact, it might beat out the sunset. I love the newness, the quietness, the stillness of an early morning. I love that nothing has been touched yet by mankind.
But in the bipolar, anxiety-ridden, depression-leaning side of my brain, mornings are dreaded. Don't get me wrong. I'm not controlled by the fear of getting up. I'm fighting the feeling of it not being worth getting up. Depending on the day, I know what I will be like at the end and I don't even want to begin it. It's that socially exhausted, intellectually draining, emotionally empty feeling I get on a Sunday. Honestly, Sunday is the ultimate dread. To know that I will be around people who expect the socially outgoing and conversational (no matter how awkward) Melissa they are used to seeing all that day long fills me with a desire to hide instead. To know that I simply want to pour my heart into worship to my God who has constantly been my only reason to go - and uses much energy as I feebly try to give Him my all - but to be side-tracked by (almost always loving and friendly) brothers and sisters who (most usually) care for me. To know that something will discourage me because the Devil seeks, especially on the day Christians devotedly come to Him to worship and among the family of God, to break us and take us. I can't tell you I look forward to it. But I am not the only one who feels this way and you need to know. We don't feel like we can share this bit of our life. We are afraid of you looking down at us as weak. We are afraid you will think we don't want to worship our God or that we don't care for our brothers and sisters in Christ.
Sundays aren't the only mornings dreaded though. A typical day doing typical things is also hard. To feel as though you have no place even though intellectually you know that to be untruthful. To face the unknown of a day in which you have no idea what will happen is intimidating when you know your limits.
Knowing yourself doesn't always have its perks. Sometimes, it's depressing. Literally. You know what will exhaust you. You know what will take everything you have stored up and be left to recoup again. It makes you want to completely avoid those situations. And the fact of the matter is, you are supposed to avoid those situations if you expect to live a steady life. It's not always possible though.
One of the hardest parts to deal with is when you have to follow through with a situation knowing that it will leave you empty, knowing there's something else you would have rather used your energy accomplishing. Sometimes, you feel like others take what you want to give someone else. Sometimes, you feel like others take what you want to give in a different service to God which you feel is more important, more fulfilling of His will. Yet, you try to realize you are in your present circumstances for a reason. God has brought you to a place to learn, grow and prepare you for your future for Him. So, you face the days trying to remember that as you drag yourself out of bed. You focus on the things you love - for me, that would be homemaking, loving my husband, building a close-knit family among those who are like-minded Christians - and take the rest on head-on anyway.
It doesn't always work out like that though. Somedays, it's too much and you don't get up. Somedays are recoup days. You allow people to just assume you are sick. It's easier that way. You have to tell yourself that God knows and cares. You don't let depression creep in again. You can't let that happen. You love life too much to be controlled by a darkness. You remember your dreams. You let your mind and body rest so that you can get back up.
It's hard. Mornings are hard. Waking up is hard. Getting up is hard. I don't think I can express that too much to you. I want so bad to wake up in the morning and be excited. I don't know the last time that happened. It brings tear to my eyes to admit that. For me, as someone who sees how beautiful a morning can be, it hurts to automatically, without intention, to dread a morning. I want to be that person who gets up and enjoys the sunrise. I want to explore nature early in the morning. I want to awake before the world. And I hold on to the fact that one day, I might do that.
I love life. I love experiencing the ordinary as it becomes extraordinary. I love finding adventure wherever I go. I love being a wife, a friend, a relative - whether through blood, marriage or "adopted" relatives. Most of all, I love being a Christian. I love that God wants me to serve Him my whole life while He loves me unconditionally.
But I also love that one day, I can love being alive eternally with absolutely no hindrances. I don't know what it's like to feel like that and it fills my heart with longing to know that one day I will have that too.
One day, I can experience eternal mornings in eternal happiness.